Beauty Will Rise
by Calmer of the Storm
Summary: It was the day that my world fell apart. Rated T for strong emotional content.


Calmer of the Storm: Hey guys, it's me again. I honestly didn't think I'd be writing again for a while, but as I said before, I'd write if I needed to get something out. I need to do that now.

**WARNING:** This is not a happy story. My author's note will explain why I wrote it, and it is also not a happy story. But there is hope through everything.

As I write this I'm shaking…It's after midnight and I feel sick, but I think I need to type it out. I will work the story to fit the characters, so not everything will be the same as what happened. But the emotions are real and very raw. You see, my youngest brother and his friend were killed in a car accident just over two months ago. It was the day before Mother's Day and three days before my birthday. We were very close, and I loved him very much. This story is dedicated to my baby brother…my David.

The title and lyrics are from a song by Steven Curtis Chapman, who's album of the same name was entirely written after the loss of his young daughter Maria.

I do not own this song, nor do I own Digimon or any of its characters.

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**Beauty Will Rise**

_By Calmer of the Storm_

_In loving memory of David S._

_Buried deep beneath_

_All our broken dreams we have this hope_

_Out of these ashes_

_Beauty will rise_

_We will dance among the ruins_

_We will see it _

_With out own eyes_

_For we know that joy is coming in the morning_

I've never been through anything so wrong in my life, and I've seen some crazy things. I've seen death, but never to this capacity. The death that I experienced was never human loss, but it was nonetheless impactful. To lose a friend is never something fun, and I hated dealing with it. So many have given their lives for me; for a greater cause. Wizardmon was the first, so early in my walk as a Digidestined. Then there were the Numemon, Whamon…there's been so much loss. I prayed and hoped that I would never have to deal with it again. So when our battles were finally won, I was able to rest with a peace in knowing that I wouldn't have to watch my friends die in harsh battle.

I forgot that real life is hard too. I always looked at other people's problems through a bit of a tainted glass. What I'd seen, right from when I was eight years old, was nothing compared to what many people in my city have seen. They haven't seen battle firsthand; they have not watched a creature, a friend, die. They were not forced to make decisions at a young age that would literally define the course of the world; they did not hold the very fate of humanity in the palm of their hand. Of course, I was not the only one to share this burden, but we were twelve among millions. Billions, even. So somewhere along the line I decided that their problems weren't as bit as mine, and that once out of the turmoil of the Digital World my life would finally turn around.

I never realised how wrong I could be. I had just finished my shift at work, a local restaurant, and Taichi was coming to pick me up. I was eighteen and he was twenty-two. The guy still lived at home, but he claimed that he was just 'saving up'. He and Sora had been dating for a number of years, and why they hadn't already tied the knot I didn't know. I vaguely recall a conversation that we had about it once, and I think he mentioned something about wanting to be completely ready. He wanted to be able to fully support her in a house of their own, and he wanted to give her a decent wedding instead of one that was clearly put together on the salary of a student. At any rate, he was supposed to be picking me up from work. He and I were quite close, which meant we could do things together and not fight like normal siblings did. He was taking me to the movies; he just had a few errands to run first. Before coming to get me he said something about needing to get something to Matt's place; I didn't even bother asking. There was no point, with those two.

It wasn't like Taichi to be late. At least, not _this _late. It was a good half hour passed the end of my shift and I was starting to get a little antsy. It was later on in the evening, which usually meant that Tai would be on time or even early because he didn't like the thought of his baby sister outside in the dark alone. I looked at my watch; 8:24. That should have been enough time for him to have gone to Matt's and come and get me. Sometimes Matt came with him, which was fine. He was my boyfriend's older brother and so kind of a brother to me in many ways as well, even before Takeru and I had started dating.

I was getting antsy, so I called his cell. There was no answer. Mom and Dad were out visiting my grandparents, so they wouldn't have any idea what was taking so long. The only thing I could think of was that he had gotten caught up with Matt and lost track of time. It was unlike him, but nothing else made sense.

My phone buzzed in my hand; Takeru.

"Hey", I'd said. He and I had plans for the evening; he would have picked me up himself, but he was car-less until his mom got back from work.

"You at home yet? Mom'll be home early, so I should be able to come soon."

It was a fifteen minute drive to the house from here; if Taichi hurried TK's mom being home early would actually do something for us. "Nope. Still at work…you know if he's with Matt? He was supposed to be here almost a half hour ago."

I could hear the concern in his silence; Takeru was like Tai when it came to my safety. He didn't like that I was there alone. "No idea…haven't talked to Matt at all today."

"'Kay. I'll let you know when I get home. Shouldn't be too long now."

We said our goodbyes and hung up. I stood there for a few more minutes and tried my brother's cell again. Still no answer. I was getting frustrated; had he forgotten about me? It was really unlike him, but it was the only thing I could think of. What else would cause him to delay?

At this point I was really frustrated, and I just called his phone repeatedly. He'd clue in eventually; he _was_ known for not hearing it the first time. He was like Mom that way.

Finally, someone picked up. "Hello?" The voice said; it was not my brother.

"Oh…I am _so_ sorry. I've called the wrong number." My stomach dropped; I was so embarrassed. How I'd managed that one, I didn't know. Must have dialled the wrong contact or something.

The voice on the other end was calm. "No, no you haven't. I have the phone of a young gentleman."

I had to laugh. Taichi had lost his phone! He usually was good at keeping track of his stuff, but I wouldn't put it passed him. He could be scatterbrained at times, especially when he had more than one thing on the go. "What's it look like?" I was talking about the phone, of course.

"I'm with the Tokyo Police." The voice said.

'_Wow'_, I thought, _'that was fast. Someone was really nice and turned the phone in.'_

I repeated my earlier question about the phone.

I could hear a sigh on the other end, "No, you don't understand. What's your name?"

I told him my first and last name. He asked my birthday, then my relationship to my brother. At this point I didn't know why, but I began to shake. He asked me Taichi's birthday, then what kind of car he had been driving.

"Where are you?" The voice asked, still quite calm.

I, however, was anything but. My brain was scattered; I really didn't know what to think. "I'm at work." It didn't even occur to me that the Officer would have no idea where that was; I was just answering to the best of my ability.

"Do you have a way home?"

"Uh…Taichi's…Tai's coming to get me. But I'll walk. I'll just walk home."

"We can send a cruiser to get you. Where are your parents?"

"At my grandparent's house." Again, of course the Officer had no idea where this was.

"Can you contact them?"

"Yes."

"Call them and tell them to meet you at home. We're sending a cruiser to come get you. Where are you located?"

My rationale was completely out the window, at this point. "N-no, I can walk. I'll walk home."

"We're coming to get you."

Finally I relented, giving the Officer my location. It was only five minutes before someone else came and got me. He moved his stuff out of the car so that I could get in the front; not behind the barrier in the back.

Looking back on it all, I realised that my mind had gone into protection mode. Another person might have made the logical conclusion, and I think that somewhere I had, but my mind wouldn't let me dwell on it. Something was very, very wrong but I had to act normal. I had to keep functioning.

A voice came over the radio, the Officer in the car quickly turned it down. At the time I didn't think anything of it.

"I'm in the car with the female." He says to the other person.

'_The 'female' he calls me? What am I, a criminal?'_ Was what ran through my mind.

The other person said "Do you need VCU* support?"

"Not right now, I'll let you know."

I had no idea what it meant, but somewhere inside of me I knew that he was talking about emergency grief counselling. How I knew this I'll never know. What I'll also never know was how I managed to look passed it. I had a desperate need inside of me to have a normal and light conversation with the Policeman beside me. I remarked how I'd never been inside a police car before, which is stupid, but I needed to talk about something. Anything other than what I knew deep inside of me was going on.

The Police Officer brought me home and came in, though he stood in the doorway of our apartment. I could feel myself starting to panic; I needed to do something. There were chicken burgers on the stove, cold from when Taichi had made them earlier. I took one and ate it like that, then snagged some stale cookies from the counter and shoved those into my mouth as well. The kitchen was a little cluttered, for Tai rarely cleaned up after himself, so I began to clean it.

After about fifteen minutes, my parents came home. They greeted me and the Officer, who was still standing at the door. He told us that we needed to sit down. My parents sat on the couch and I sat across from them with the Police Officer beside me. He was silent a moment before speaking.

"I'm sorry to tell you that your son has been involved in an accident." He paused, looking at us. "He succumbed to his injuries on the scene."

My first thought was _'No he didn't, Taichi doesn't _succumb_ to anything. He's saved the world…multiple times!'_

The Officer quickly realised that we didn't quite understand what he'd said, and he rephrased his statement. "I'm sorry but your son has passed away."

It was with this statement that my world fell apart. I didn't believe him…I didn't want to. He was lying to us! He had the wrong house, the wrong family. Taichi had always been somewhat of a prankster, and this was a joke that he had taken way, way too far. I was going to kill him when he jumped out and yelled 'surprise!'

Before I could process much, the phone rang. My mother picked it up, and all I heard her say was "Oh Yamato…" She said this over and over, and I knew she couldn't do it. I motioned for her to give me the phone.

He wanted to know where Taichi was, because he was late in getting to his house. I couldn't say it…I just couldn't. The news was still so fresh in my mind that I couldn't tell anyone else about it, because that would make it all real. I was still sort of clinging to my old reality; I had not quite yet been sucked into the vortex that I knew was coming. But eventually I did get it out, after a good five minutes. I don't remember what I said. I can just hear the sounds of Matt's cries on the other end of the line.

Takeru was the next person I called. He had been expecting me, but not for the reason I was calling him now. I didn't have the strength to call Sora; I just couldn't. My father took it upon himself to do so, and was using the home phone. Despite the fact that he was expecting my call, Takeru didn't pick up right away. That was so like him; leave his phone somewhere and not hear it.

"Hey TK…I..uh…I just need you to call me when you can. I just…I don't know what to do right now. I don't…just call me back." I managed to get this message out despite my persistent sobbing.

Minutes later he called back.

"What's wrong?" There was great concern in his voice, and looking back I think he figured that something had happened to me while I was waiting for Taichi. I wish something had…because it would have been better than this.

The harsh wave of tears came again and it was a few moments before I could speak.

"Taichi…Taichi was killed in a car accident."

He was unable to speak for a few moments, but finally words came. "Oh my goodness I…I'm coming. I'm coming right now." And he hung up the phone.

Sora was the first to come over. She came with her mom, and the both of them were as broken as we were. I tried to put myself in Sora's shoes; if it had been Takeru, how would I feel? No less crappy, no doubt, but probably a little different. All of our lives, once going in a different direction, had suddenly veered off course. But for Sora…for Sora it was different. Everyone knew they were going to get married. Her future had been pretty much decided, at least in one area, and now that future was gone. I couldn't imagine a future without Takeru…not that I can imagine one without Taichi, but my future with my brother is different from my future with my boyfriend. But I couldn't be a support for her. I couldn't support my parents, because the depth of my pain was so great that I couldn't bear it.

Takeru and his mother came next, followed closely by Matt and his father. Takeru held me, but he was grieving too. No one spoke words of comfort because there were none to be offered; nothing could bring him back. None of us slept much that night, if even at all.

The days…weeks after that are still a blur to me. It's incredible how one night can seem so detailed and everything after it is nothing. It melts together, I've lost my mind. Grief is a funny thing; my mom was watering plants in the house and forgot about it…until the living room flooded. I look at all the bad things that could happen in my life; I fail out of school, I end up working as a waitress for the rest of my life, I never go anywhere and live at home…all of those things sounded pretty good, if it meant I could have my brother back. They had to move me into the kitchen at work when I was eventually ready to go back, where I didn't have to deal with customers. People are stupid, and I don't have tolerance for that right now. If someone were to yell at me I would either cry or yell back, because their problems are _nothing_ compared to mine right now. Neither of these options is good for the company.

People tell me all the time that they can't imagine what's going on, and I tell them it's alright. I tell them that I pray that they never have to understand; that it's something that they only have to deal with from a place that's a little more removed. I would never wish this kind of pain on anybody, no matter who they were.

Our friends from the Digital World were quick to contact us. Agumon had sensed that something was wrong; Gatomon said that all of a sudden he just felt empty…like a piece of his heart had been ripped out. Koushiro thinks that a part of his data has literally been deleted; the part that tied him to my brother in terms of the bond that they shared as Digimon and partner…but we all know that nothing will ever erase the memories. Mom and Dad were finally included in our little world; they were introduced to the Digimon…to Agumon, who shared so much of their son's life. At one point I was almost afraid that he would become like a son to them as well to the point where it was unhealthy for them, but I see now that it's not. My mom sees him kind of like a dog that's been trained by one master, and that master has left behind bits of his personality in the dog. She sticks close to him when she can.

Matt's having the hardest time with this. He's suffering survivor's guilt; he feels that he never should have asked Taichi to come. He says he doesn't even remember why he'd asked his best friend to come over, which makes him worse because he feels that if he can't remember it it wasn't important, and therefore Tai shouldn't have had to die over it. We've told him time and time again that he can't do that to himself; that it's not fair to anyone. It was an accident, and as much as we want to find someone or something to blame…even if it's ourselves…we can't. It'll only bring destruction.

I talk to Sora when I can, though I find it difficult. Not that we're not close…she's like a sister to me…but she was never really one I opened up to. She opens up to me and is generally more open about things than I am; I've been known to keep them in, and there are…were…only two people in this world who could get them out of me. So all I could do was listen, and I found that difficult. When she would talk about the fond memories I was alright; I like to hear about him. I like to talk about him, to share him with and to other people. But when she starts grieving I can't handle it. I know it's good…it's soothing to let it out, I just can't handle other people's grief right now. This worries my Dad, but in a moment of sanity I told him that it's just because I generally don't like conflict or when people are upset, and I don't have it in me to support anyone emotionally right now. It's easier for me to just leave.

As for myself…I'm not really sure. One thing I am sure of though is that Takeru is absolutely incredible; any other guy should have run screaming right now. A relationship is cultivated through a process of give and take in everything; right now I was all take. I just didn't have it in me, I couldn't give him anything emotionally or intellectually. I couldn't invest anything in our relationship, and by all definitions it should have collapsed. I still can't, but I think I'm getting better. Takeru understands me in a way that no one else can; he pulls out information when I need him to, while other times he's just silent. There are times when I need both, and usually I have no idea how to tell the difference.

The feelings come in cycles. It starts as disbelief, then anger then depression. Acceptance is the final step, something that I never want to face. At first I thought that this was a one-time-through thing; that once I hit that acceptance stage I was fine. But it doesn't work like that. It comes in waves…in circles. I find myself bouncing between disbelief and depression; anger is something that I rarely feel, though it does come. Acceptance isn't what I thought it would be either; it's not accepting the fact that my brother is gone. It's accepting that there is, through all of this, hope. Hope for a life that is void of this darkness that I am walking through right now.

I am used to darkness, but this is different. As the child of light darkness seemed to follow me everywhere; it craved my presence, sought my power. But this darkness is different, because it does not seek to use me for anything. It simply seeks to crush me…to suffocate me. I know that if I let that happen it would be my own fault.

Almost everyday I ask why. Why did this happen…why, God? Why didn't You stop the accident? Why couldn't that light go a little longer, why didn't he stay at the gas station for ten more seconds? It would have saved his life. I never get an answer. It's funny though, because I'm not angry about that. I'm not angry because God took him, nor because I don't have the answer to why. Somewhere along this journey I have come to accept that I'll never fully know the reasons in this life. Already we have seen good things come out of it; the response from the community has been incredible. People coming out of the woodworks we don't even know, telling use how Tai touched their lives. The media was all over it…the main TV station came to our house and aired the clip across the region. Local and national newspapers ran articles on us, and both media sources were at the funeral. I was on national television, but not for the reasons I ever thought I'd be. I think part of it was the nature of the accident…when you think 'young adult' and 'car accident' you think of excessive spend and/or alcohol or some sort of substance. But Tai wasn't on anything…he'd never touched it in his life. Despite his loud and outgoing personality, he didn't need them. And despite his think-before-you-leap way of thinking when it came to driving he was careful; never went a kilometre over the speed limit. Yamato once remarked that he 'drove like a granny'.

All of these things are great, and there are more, but I just can't help but believe that these are just the beginning. I pray that I will find people years down the road who were touched by my story or my brother's…and even then, it's not enough. If God took my brother, it had better be for a good reason. I have to believe that the reason is just far too big for my human mind to comprehend in its current state. So I'm not angry at God for that. I'm angry at Him for not providing me with the peace and the comfort that is promised so many times in the Bible. I'm angry because I feel depressed; like I can't go on. I'm angry because I still cry about it. I still have things that set me off; places, smells, songs, even just thoughts. I'm upset because I look into my future and I have no idea how to live with myself…how to cope. But I think that, for the most part, I've come to terms with this anger as well. I know that peace will come; I just have to wait. It's a part of the healing process, and after it happens I'll be able to look back and see why things happened the way they did. Not in the accident…just in the aftermath. This is the hope that I cling to; a different hope than the one that my boyfriend lays a hold of. Though that too is a help, because right now I am at my weakest. If our former enemies saw fit to launch an assault on us now, I have no doubt that I would not be able to stand and fight. That is what Takeru is for me right now; I do not have the strength to stand, and so he is holding me up.

I am a few months into my new life. I have yet to find that new normal that will take place, because I can never be the person I was before. My life has now been split into before and after, and that is now how my mind works. 'The last time I did this Taichi was alive' or 'the last time I was here Taichi was alive' are thoughts that come frequently to mind. There is a hole in my family and a hole in my heart, one that no one on earth will ever be able to fill. Not even Takeru, whom I love very much, because he holds a different piece of my heart. But my place isn't to try and plug that hole. This is not something I can go around or under; I can't bury it and go over. I have to walk through this…we all do. And that is the most difficult thing. My father came up with an analogy, that this hole that we have is not ours to fill, but to plant a garden around. The absence of Taichi will always be felt no matter what happens, but he wouldn't want us to dwell on the bad things. He wouldn't want us to get stuck, and we certainly can't try to erase him from our lives.

We still have much to go through. Taichi's birthday is in less than a month…it's also the day of my parent's anniversary. He was born on their tenth. Then there's Christmas…all firsts I don't want to deal with. I want to run, to go somewhere where no one knows what I'm going through; where there are no memories associated with him. But that would be wrong, because it would be doing everything that I promised not to do. I don't want to feel pain anymore, but the depth of the pain that I am feeling is merely an attribute to the profound love that I had…have…for him.

We have yet to make it to the Digital World, but that will come with time. Agumon sticks pretty close to my side now. Tai's friends have said that I remind them of him, to the point where it hurts because we're so similar. I never thought that there was that much resemblance between us, but now when people tell me I'm like him I feel a sense of pride that wells up within me.

I've decided I'm going to live my life. It will be difficult, but it will be good. My children will never have an Uncle Tai…at least, not a tangible one. I'm going to name my firstborn son after him, and if I have to have eight kids to get to that, so be it. I've decided on my wedding colours; they're going to be orange and purple (don't ask about the purple; it was a phase), even though the only other thing I've decided about my wedding is the groom. I'm going to celebrate him; I'm going to do things in his honour. Because I know that Tai wouldn't want me to wallow in self-pity, and if he could speak to me I know he'd tell me to smarten up and stop crying. Then he'd do a weird dance and probably start singing even though he's tone deaf. But it would make me laugh, and that was always his intention.

If I could touch half as many lives as he did I think that I would be satisfied with my life. Taichi lived with few regrets, and is probably the only person in the world whom I could say didn't give a rip about what other people thought of him. I can't say that even for myself. He was confident in who he was, and that was enough for him. I'll try and live like that, because it's how he'd want me to.

I'll get through this. I know I will. It's just a matter of finding that new normal…and that is a scary thought. On some levels I don't want to move on; I want to live in this place of despair. But that's no way to live, and I'd lose Takeru for sure. As much as he loves me, I know he wouldn't be able to handle it. So I'll keep on living. I'm going to keep my plans to study abroad for my professional studies, and I'm going to get married and have a family. I'm going to keep my head up and go forward with my life. People lament that 'he never got to live his life', but I disagree. Taichi lived his life to the fullest, more so than many elderly people I know. _That's_ how I'm going to live…a life that honours him. A life that is vibrant and full of colour. Anything else would mean to have him look on me with shame, and I can't have that. Always I looked to him for approval, and I'll continue to do it because I know he's watching me. And someday I'll be able to see him again, and he'll finally be able to welcome me home.

When I get through this...I'll see it. I'll see beauty as it rises from the ashes of my panic and pain. When the trauma settles and my world stops spinning, I'll see it. It _will_ come; this is the hope that I cling to. This hope will get me through, for it is a hope in a love that will never fail. And if that doesn't count for something, I don't know what does.

_It will take our breath away_

_To see the beauty that's been made_

_Out of the ashes_

_

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_

Calmer of the Storm: I apologize for the lack of flow and thought pattern…it's now 2:10 am and I'm exhausted. Time aside it's also just something I needed to get out of me, and it was very difficult to do. My emotions are running high and I found myself in tears at more than one interval. The conversation with the officer is almost word-for-word the one that I had, and it plays in my mind constantly. That night haunts me still.

All crappy feelings aside, if you managed to get through all of this, thank you for listening to my story. It really does help me to talk (or type) about it. And if you're someone who's been through this…I am so terribly sorry. I wish that it was someone that no one ever had to deal with.


End file.
